peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
