please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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