I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
