I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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