i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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