The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
