so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
