I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
