my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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