I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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