if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
