i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The air was thick with penises
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
