I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Congratulations! We have a period
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
