dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
