I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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