just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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