I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
