Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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