If that was your dad, he is hot
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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