Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I want a musical about memes.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
