Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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