She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
