Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
