So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
