i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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