dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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