Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
