i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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