he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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