My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
