Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And then my night got REAL pukey
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
