It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
