my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i came on her dog
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
