God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
