My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
