Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Randomize
