Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
