a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Randomize
