you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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