Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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