The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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