my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
