I want to have your abortion
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
