Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
