our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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