Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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