Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
