The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
