I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
