she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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