It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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