Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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