Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
